Woody Smalls

Mindless Rhetoric at its Best!

Food… A Love Story…

The good ole days are over…

That was a hard realization to come too, but, after 36 years, I understand now is the time and place to walk away. No longer can I play 6 hours of basketball to pre-burn the calories consumed in a night of Guinness topped off with a late night run to Waffle House or Krystal. Alas, no more joy in a youthful metabolism set to battle the war for me. I Love Me a Massive Platteram 100% now on my own and, at most times now, afraid to even look at some foods in fear of how long they might put me down.

A sad day indeed…

Now, I was never a Kobayashi. Never wanted to be. Well, until I saw some of the checks these guys get for eating and, well, maybe for a day or two to pay off some bills. To me it was fun to be able to eat and drink what ever I wanted to without having to worry about issues. It was the golden years!

Then things started to change. It was around 2000. It might have been Y2K. It could have been the fact I was 27 and not 17. I’m going with the Y2K just so we can say it wasn’t a complete over-hyped flop. It started with an innocent glass of champagne and some crackers. A simple request that changed the ballgame forever. Needless to say the ole iron stomach wasn’t what it use to be.

It only got worse from there…

I was having some bad allergy issues which led to an allergy test around 2002. If you live in SWGA, you’re gonna have allergy issues, period. No big deal, right?

Wrong…

The doctor entered the room, sat down, gave me “the look” and said, “there is something important we need to talk about… You’re allergic to PORK… I’m sorry.” I was speechless, confused and filled with emotions and feeling I have never felt before. Pork, after all, was my life. I had just started a campaign to get it added as a vegetable for goodness sakes! What was I to do! “No more pork… for at least the next year or so… then we’ll see,” the doc added. As we talked it seems that as you get older your body can build up immunity to certain proteins. Looks like all the pork products saturated my body with too much swine protein. Thinking about it now, I could’ve been Patient X for the Swine Flu…

Anyway, I made it through that difficult day and more than two years without any pork products. It gave me great perspective. I actually started a chicken finger diet and after my cholesterol dropped by 20 points and I lost 20 pounds, I thought I might be on to a new fad. Maybe the Fat-ken’s Diet. I happened to be appearing on a noonday TV show with Jared of Subway fame and pitched him my stats and story. Told him Zaxby’s would be all over it. He just looked at me… unimpressed… and didn’t say a word.

All this has led me to this point in life. I time where I still love food, but I know that it is just not going to be a good decision if I choose to eat a certain food or at a certain time.

As I mourn to days of my youth, I am reminded of some of the feats I completed in my time.

  • Ox Tail… on my honeymoon. Not a fan. Period. Especially when I mixed it with some warm/bad yogurt that I thought was ranch. Bad news for me in Jamaica for about two days.
  • The HAWG… at Austin’s BBQ in Albany, GA. I did not succeed, but I was the first to try this Man vs. Food creating at my buddies’ restaurant. 3lbs of pork, topped with slaw on a huge round loaf with what seems to be a truckload of fries to be completed in an hour. I ate half of it in 8 minutes. I pushed around the rest for the next 52 and asked for my to-go box.
  • 40 wings at Ruby Tuesdays… yes, Ruby Tuesdays. In the early 90’s they had wings… good wings and on a bet one night I demolished 40. Proud day!
  • 2 patty melt plates with double orders of hash browns all the way with Bert’s Chili on top… A classic late night A Waffle House Classiccreation from our friends at the Waffle House. For some reason, though, the Waffle House across from the University of Arkansas campus in Fayetteville ran an All-You-Can-Eat Special on any menu item from 2-4 pm. I’m still not too sure why I chose the patty melt. I also remember hating my decision a few days after as well.
  • 40 Hooter’s wings… I don’t even like Hooter’s wings! I did this on more than 5 or so occasions, though.
  • 19 Cheese Krystals… On a bet late one night. The battle was fierce as the crowd watched me and a fraternity brother square off (square off… get it…). The taste of victory was sweet that night. The taste in my mouth the next morning and for about 3 days after, anything but.
  • A three foot long, one foot wide platter shaped like a fish and pilled high with just about everything fried and seafood in New Orleans… Following a long and fun day at Jazz Fest in 1996, I was hungry. I wish I could remember the name of the joint, but I can’t. Didn’t even leave a crumb on the plate. Probably my most massive feat. I remember all eight people at the table gasping when they sat it down in front of me. Solid indeed!

A few good (and bad) memories from a time that will never return.

I’m glad to be honest. If I were to even attempt any of these feats again I realize I might actually die.

I’m happy sticking to my regular portion size meals that are still too big most of the time.

I do have to save room for desert now, though. Mmmmm…. deserts… That is a whole other discussion!

Until next we meet…

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September 30, 2009 Posted by | food, Humor | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fantasy Football Live – Yahoo! Fantasy Sports

Fantasy Football Live – Yahoo! Fantasy Sports

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September 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Welcome to…

Mindless rhetoric with a heavy side of rambling… if you like that, you love what I have to say!

September 25, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Bippitty Boppitty BACON!!!

The official Pork Should Be A Vegetable Campaign!!!

July 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Journey…

To say the job market stinks right now would be an understatement.

Part of me, socially and globally, understands that it is a necessary evil. Production wise, we have old models of doing business and a very aging infrastructure that needs to be completely demolished and rebuilt. Patching and repairing will no longer do. A complete change must happen.
For a lot of folks, it is business as usual. In fact, for more than 90% of the US, nothing has really changed. The media and politicians would like to scare us into thinking the world is coming to an end, but, in reality, we are doing pretty good.
So my 2 cents are just exactly what they are worth…
I do believe that when one door closes in life a better one opens. I stand by many verses in the Bible but try to live Jeremiah 29:10-14…

29:10 “For the Lord says, ‘Only when the seventy years of Babylonian rule15 are over will I again take up consideration for you.16 Then I will fulfill my gracious promise to you and restore17 you to your homeland.18 29:11 For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the Lord.19 ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you20 a future filled with hope.21 29:12 When you call out to me and come to me in prayer,22 I will hear your prayers.23 29:13 When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you. If you seek me with all your heart and soul,24 29:14 I will make myself available to you,’25 says the Lord.26 ‘Then I will reverse your plight27 and will regather you from all the nations and all the places where I have exiled you,’ says the Lord.28 ‘I will bring you back to the place from which I exiled you.

A very refreshing verse, but a very hard one to follow each and every day.

The world is a very cruel and unforgiving place. It is Satan’s realm of deceit and lies. The closer you are to having a friendship and a true relationship with God, the more he will attack you and everything you love. For more on this, check out the book of Job.

So with that foundation and understanding, it is easier for me to understand and remain patient… most days…

There are times I have tremendous amounts of frustration and anger with my plight. I can get depressed over decisions I may have made that led me to this point of being laid off. Maybe if I would have done this or that I could have gotten past this. Maybe I should have taken that offer to leave and go with another company a few months before I got laid off. The mind can race.

Add the family aspect. A wife who is just as confused and frustrated as I am. The plot thickens.

The one constant is there is always something glorious in store of us in the time of our greatest doubt and fear. A devotion I read with my wife last night made the analogy of God and I on a tandem bike. For years I have steered because I didn’t fully trust him to take the best way I thought possible from point A to point B. We should have the role reversed, though. He should be steering and guiding us through His plan. Sometimes you take some sharp curves and climb a mountain you think is impossible. But, as with the verse in Jeremiah, He knows where He is leading you and He knows what your purpose and outcome is for His calling.

That is where I stand now…

What is my calling…

What is my purpose…

What is it that He needs me to do…

And… why has 5 months passed without His plan yet being revealed to me.

Until next we meet…

May 18, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Waiting…

This should be an easy question…

Have you ever been in a place in your life where you felt like you were in a line that wasn’t moving? Ready to great someone at the door, but they never show?
That is where I’ve been for about 5 months now.
I was laid off after 4 1/2 good years in pharmaceutical sales. I never in a million years ever thought I would be selling drugs, ugh… legally, but it was a solid job that helped me provide for my family. All was well, or so it seemed. My company had gone through many restructures over that time, but they always held true to the statement, “no one will lose their jobs.” Well, on Dec. 3, 2008, a great many of us in all levels of the company lost their job. The ride since has been roller coaster to say the least.
The one thing that has remained a constant for me each day is my faith in God and his plan for my life.
Okay, some of you out there who don’t know me is probably going to run and hide from the religious nut, but I ask you to hang with me for a little bit longer.
There are many versus in the Bible promoting God’s love and plan for all of his children. Again, for all of his children… those who believe and who do not believe. But there are also just as many versus explaining the hardships and trials a fallen world brings us all.
So this is where I’ve been for the past 5 months… trying to figure out why a door closed and faithfully follow God’s calling and direction in walking through the right door that opens next.
I’ve had a couple of things that looked like God sends and sure shots fall short at the last minute. That can be crushing. Just as crushing as losing a job. But, faithfully, I know it is for some reason.
Join me over the next few days and weeks as I figure out what and where my faith and calling is leading me.
Until next we meet…

May 12, 2009 Posted by | anger, faith, God, hardship, hope, job loss | Leave a comment

Politics & Media

I am hot to trot about all the media flack Palin is getting because of her quick rise to the top and her daughter’s choice to grow up a little early. But before I go on, I want to establish a few things:

1. I am an american. In fact, I’m a fat american who is upper middle class and white.
2. I vote for who I think is best to solve our problems in this country.
3. I usually vote more towards a republican than a democrat.
4. I will be voting for McCain/Palin over Obama/Biden because I think McCain/Palin will do a better job meeting my needs as a voter.
5. It is a free country, thank God, so these are my opionions. If you disagree, that doesn’t make you right and me wrong or me right and you wrong.

Ok. I have heard everyone from the Today Show to some of these liberal quacks completely destroy Palin and her daughter over the past few days. They have said things no one should ever say about another person to little jabs at how can she run the country if she cannot even manager her own life.

In short, it is making me sick and whether she is perfect and clean or not makes me want to vote and promote her and the republican ticket even more.
Certain things have always been off limits. Family is first and foremost and this should be a non topic. But with the greed of the media and the hatered of the liberals, they have made this an ugly bloodbath of irrelevent content.

No one is perfect, nor will we ever be. I try each day to follow God’s direction and live my life as he would want me to, but each day I fail. That use to push me away from him, but now I see more clearly his plan for me in a real world. When I fail, I actually get closer to Him. Polishing my rough edges and preparing me for his purpose when He is ready to use me.
The attacks on the Palin family is irresponsible in every way God wants us to live. You would think a bleeding heart liberal would accept this and them the way they are. Oh, but I guess that is the double standard. “We do not keep score in our league because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.” The same person also say, “It is perfectly fine to chose to kill a baby.” Kill away, but God forbid someone gets their feelings hurt. But I guess I’m no better because I disagree with their point of view.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we are in a losing battle. We should Love one another unconditionally and help our neighbors. But human emotions are too strong. Our anger enables us to go after someone’s weakness, attack someone’s child or fail to listen to another’s opinion. Sharing an opinion is one thing, this attack is another.

All I can do is pray for favor and peace with the Palin family. Satan will decive, that is his only power. God gave us the power to destroy.

Until next we meet…

September 3, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

What I Think Might Be In Hell

I was thinking the other day about Heaven and Hell. You know, when you kind of slip off into your own world dreaming about actually meeting Christ and asking God all of those questions you’ve been writing down for years.
Anyway, Heaven is a list way too long to even begin with, but I thought about my life and here are a 10 things I think might be in Hell.
10. Toilets – yes, very dirty toilets that constantly need cleaning and all you have to do the job is toilet tissue and Windex.
9. Weed eaters – the Ban of my existence. Can’t operate one to save my life. Must have missed that day in shop class.
8. Billy Packer – i would rather have broken glass shoved in my ears than listen to him rant during another basketball game. (got my wish tonight as he finally stepped down from CBS – yeah!)
7. Craft Stores – my kryptonite is Michael’s or Hobby Lobby or any store like that. I’m feeling weak just talking about it.
6. Mint Ice Cream – I love me some ice cream and I like mints, but never under any circumstance should the streams cross.
5. Yolanda Amedaeo – Go to www.walb.com and view one of her weather forecasts. Have a shot or two of whiskey handy for the pain.
4. Gnats, Roaches and Spiders – Come to Southwest Georgia anytime between March and November and we’ll talk. I love you God, but why these three. (PS – that is one of my questions for the Big Man one day)
3. Reality TV – Big Brother, The Hills, et al. OMG…
2. Really Bad Text Messagers – Nothing would drive me crazy more than constantly getting messages from someone who can’t properly text. (is CRD cord, curd, see road… ARGHHHHHH!)
1. Mediacom – The next time a cable sales person tries to tell me I’m an idiot for paying for my local channels with DirecTV when they charge me for locals and then tell me they do not charge for locals and stand firm to their story.

Just a few thoughts for the evening. Feel free to add your own.

Until next we meet…

July 15, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Perplexed

For the life of me I can’t figure a few things out.

First, to keep costs down has 60 Minutes fired its make-up crew? I mean did you see Andy Rooney this week. I do not watch 60 Minutes, but in the process of flipping the channels his bushy eyebrows just jumped off the screen. I just hope that 60 Minutes has not gone HD as of yet. Those are images that would scar many a child.

Second, is anyone else tired of the way the political process has faded into a glorified version of 3 third graders fussing over whose turn it is to ride on the swing. It’s sad. The title of President deserves more respect. Not only from the candidates, but from us as Americans as well. Let’s force them to quit being actors and salespeople. It is not all their fault, though. Our failure as Americans is why we are in the mess we are in anyway. We can embrace our differences without losing the unity that makes us Americans. I’m 35. My grandfather and his generation understood what sacrifices we needed to make to make this country what it is. Did they make mistakes? Yes, many. Should we live in the past by focusing on mistakes made over 30 years ago? I am willing to meet in the middle and give a little to make this country the United States of America once again. Are you?

Third, the fax machine. Seriously, think about it. I have a master’s degree and I think that I am a fairly intelligent and rational person. But, for the life of me, I cannot figure out how you can place a piece of paper in this machine, press a button and through a phone line it will arrive 3000 miles away as a perfect replica of what is in my hand. As crazy as it sounds, I think I understand how email and the Internet works on this principle better than a fax machine. What perplexes me even more is that this person actually took the time to devote his life to explaining it.

Fourth, the guy who is the make-up guru on TLC’s 10 Years Younger. Look, I have nothing against him or want to judge him on how he lives his lifestyle. I just want to point out it is a show about people who are not dressing and carrying themselves to look their best and I think he has that problem. I will be the first to admit I do not understand fashion or his lifestyle choice, but come on. Seeing him dressed the way he is each week is equivalent of having a fully functional bar at an AA meeting. He is a bigger grease fire to me than the “selected participants” some weeks. Again, I’m not judging, but this is a dude? I’ve got man-boobs too, but I would never wear a v-neck to show them off!

Finally, why am I leery of clowns? Is is because of something in my past? To my knowledge, nothing weird every happened. I used to love going to the circus when I was a kid. The only thing I can figure is maybe watching some Son of Sam documentaries on the Discovery Channel or IT by Stephen King when it came on TV that time. I don’t want to go into what I think about dwarf clowns. That really gets me freaked out! Nothing against those folks who want to do this for a living and all. Yikes! I don’t think they are suppose to be this scary. I guess some freak along the way decided it was time to sharpen the image a bit.

Until next we meet…

March 12, 2008 Posted by | Clowns, Fax Machines, Humor, Politics, TV | Leave a comment