Woody Smalls

Mindless Rhetoric at its Best!

Food… A Love Story…

The good ole days are over…

That was a hard realization to come too, but, after 36 years, I understand now is the time and place to walk away. No longer can I play 6 hours of basketball to pre-burn the calories consumed in a night of Guinness topped off with a late night run to Waffle House or Krystal. Alas, no more joy in a youthful metabolism set to battle the war for me. I Love Me a Massive Platteram 100% now on my own and, at most times now, afraid to even look at some foods in fear of how long they might put me down.

A sad day indeed…

Now, I was never a Kobayashi. Never wanted to be. Well, until I saw some of the checks these guys get for eating and, well, maybe for a day or two to pay off some bills. To me it was fun to be able to eat and drink what ever I wanted to without having to worry about issues. It was the golden years!

Then things started to change. It was around 2000. It might have been Y2K. It could have been the fact I was 27 and not 17. I’m going with the Y2K just so we can say it wasn’t a complete over-hyped flop. It started with an innocent glass of champagne and some crackers. A simple request that changed the ballgame forever. Needless to say the ole iron stomach wasn’t what it use to be.

It only got worse from there…

I was having some bad allergy issues which led to an allergy test around 2002. If you live in SWGA, you’re gonna have allergy issues, period. No big deal, right?


The doctor entered the room, sat down, gave me “the look” and said, “there is something important we need to talk about… You’re allergic to PORK… I’m sorry.” I was speechless, confused and filled with emotions and feeling I have never felt before. Pork, after all, was my life. I had just started a campaign to get it added as a vegetable for goodness sakes! What was I to do! “No more pork… for at least the next year or so… then we’ll see,” the doc added. As we talked it seems that as you get older your body can build up immunity to certain proteins. Looks like all the pork products saturated my body with too much swine protein. Thinking about it now, I could’ve been Patient X for the Swine Flu…

Anyway, I made it through that difficult day and more than two years without any pork products. It gave me great perspective. I actually started a chicken finger diet and after my cholesterol dropped by 20 points and I lost 20 pounds, I thought I might be on to a new fad. Maybe the Fat-ken’s Diet. I happened to be appearing on a noonday TV show with Jared of Subway fame and pitched him my stats and story. Told him Zaxby’s would be all over it. He just looked at me… unimpressed… and didn’t say a word.

All this has led me to this point in life. I time where I still love food, but I know that it is just not going to be a good decision if I choose to eat a certain food or at a certain time.

As I mourn to days of my youth, I am reminded of some of the feats I completed in my time.

  • Ox Tail… on my honeymoon. Not a fan. Period. Especially when I mixed it with some warm/bad yogurt that I thought was ranch. Bad news for me in Jamaica for about two days.
  • The HAWG… at Austin’s BBQ in Albany, GA. I did not succeed, but I was the first to try this Man vs. Food creating at my buddies’ restaurant. 3lbs of pork, topped with slaw on a huge round loaf with what seems to be a truckload of fries to be completed in an hour. I ate half of it in 8 minutes. I pushed around the rest for the next 52 and asked for my to-go box.
  • 40 wings at Ruby Tuesdays… yes, Ruby Tuesdays. In the early 90’s they had wings… good wings and on a bet one night I demolished 40. Proud day!
  • 2 patty melt plates with double orders of hash browns all the way with Bert’s Chili on top… A classic late night A Waffle House Classiccreation from our friends at the Waffle House. For some reason, though, the Waffle House across from the University of Arkansas campus in Fayetteville ran an All-You-Can-Eat Special on any menu item from 2-4 pm. I’m still not too sure why I chose the patty melt. I also remember hating my decision a few days after as well.
  • 40 Hooter’s wings… I don’t even like Hooter’s wings! I did this on more than 5 or so occasions, though.
  • 19 Cheese Krystals… On a bet late one night. The battle was fierce as the crowd watched me and a fraternity brother square off (square off… get it…). The taste of victory was sweet that night. The taste in my mouth the next morning and for about 3 days after, anything but.
  • A three foot long, one foot wide platter shaped like a fish and pilled high with just about everything fried and seafood in New Orleans… Following a long and fun day at Jazz Fest in 1996, I was hungry. I wish I could remember the name of the joint, but I can’t. Didn’t even leave a crumb on the plate. Probably my most massive feat. I remember all eight people at the table gasping when they sat it down in front of me. Solid indeed!

A few good (and bad) memories from a time that will never return.

I’m glad to be honest. If I were to even attempt any of these feats again I realize I might actually die.

I’m happy sticking to my regular portion size meals that are still too big most of the time.

I do have to save room for desert now, though. Mmmmm…. deserts… That is a whole other discussion!

Until next we meet…


September 30, 2009 Posted by | food, Humor | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment